Why do people insist on drinking copious amounts of alcohol
on a plane? I mean, many passengers are
often difficult enough as it is when sober.
Try dealing with an angry passenger who has just become drunk and
belligerent. Some flight attendants
believe that passengers become nicer and more pliable when they get sauced, and
for some people that may be true.
Unfortunately, I tend to get the people who let the crazy out when they
drink, and then I’m left dealing with the mess.
Coach
travelers often drink less than people in first class—when you’re paying a mess
of money for each mini you order, it’s easier to control yourself. In first class, where drinks are free, identifying
a reasonable stopping point is apparently difficult for many people. Also, despite what people may think,
drinking lots of alcohol (a major diuretic) in an extremely dry, high altitude
environment isn’t exactly condoned by the surgeon general. If anything, more moderation should be
shown. The problem is that some
individuals really can drink like a fish on the ground, but the body can often
behave differently at altitude. Combine
that with fatigue, turbulence, and less-than-healthy-full-of-salt snacks, the 5th,
6th, or 12th shot of vodka might hit you a bit
differently than at your local saloon.
Unfortunately, I always get the people (read: men) who are trying to
outdo their seatmate in a contest of wits and who want to turn the flight into
an all out drunken fest.
For
example, last night on my flight from City A to City B (one must protect the
far from innocent), I had two guys who were drinking vodka and sprite. On the ground they each had one drink. Then during the three-hour long flight, they
proceeded to empty my liquor drawer of all remaining vodkas and then move on to
rum when the vodka supply was depleted.
Now, I’m used to this game, so after a while, I’m pouring their drinks
half strong, and then quarter strong, and then just putting a couple of dabs of
alcohol in their glasses. Usually by the
fourth drink, they can’t taste the alcohol anyway, and so in order to avoid a
scene, most flight attendants will adjust the liquor content in successive
drinks. You might see this as cheating;
we tend to see it as damage control.
Trust me, it is well worth it.
So, I’m pouring their drinks and spacing it out with water and
snacks. Well, the guy at the window is
starting to get a little rowdy…talking louder, spilling his drink all over
himself, and acting quite the fool.
After a bit, he decides it is time to use the bathroom. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the lav,
it’s occupied; so what does he do? No, not that! He decides he doesn’t want to
stand, so he sits down, on the floor and starts singing. I’m not sure what he was singing (the words
were a bit muddled) but it sounded a lot like Mary Had a Little Lamb and Twinkle
Twinkle Little Star combined in a cacophonous harmony. Now this should be very entertaining, but I’m
beginning to think…’oh crap! How am I going to get this big lug of the ground,
into the bathroom, and then back to his seat!?!?’ Fortunately, he managed to do all that by himself
(how? I’m still not certain). When he
did emerge from the bathroom though, he asked and then demanded that I give him
another drink. Reasoning with a drunken
person is pretty futile, but fortunately I’m pretty stubborn when it comes to
cutting a person off. Plus, I knew that
if he tried something, it wasn’t gonna end well for him. Fortunately, he gathered his wits, and headed
back to his seat. After leering at the
woman across the aisle, he scaled the guy sitting on the aisle and collapsed
into his seat. Oh brother. The rest of the flight was pretty uneventful. He did manage to scowl at me on the way off
the plane and mumble how much of a let down I, the seemingly cool ‘stewardess’ was. Then, just as he was about to step off the
plane, he careened headfirst into the fuselage.
Awesome. Thankfully his sober
friend was driving.
So, please,
dear passengers, if a flight attendant cuts you off for drinking. Don’t take offense. We’re not questioning your manhood (or
womanhood). Honestly, we could care less
how tough you are. We just don’t want a
situation on our hands. Alcohol
poisoning on a plane would not be a fun experience for you or for me. Think of it as damage control: for your
image. Nobody wants to be remembered as ‘that
drunk guy’. Have a good time, enjoy a
couple of drinks, but know that enough is enough. And please don’t sit on the floor and sing…that’s
beyond embarrassing.
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