Boozin'...Why me!?

         Why do people insist on drinking copious amounts of alcohol on a plane?  I mean, many passengers are often difficult enough as it is when sober.  Try dealing with an angry passenger who has just become drunk and belligerent.  Some flight attendants believe that passengers become nicer and more pliable when they get sauced, and for some people that may be true.  Unfortunately, I tend to get the people who let the crazy out when they drink, and then I’m left dealing with the mess. 

            Coach travelers often drink less than people in first class—when you’re paying a mess of money for each mini you order, it’s easier to control yourself.  In first class, where drinks are free, identifying a reasonable stopping point is apparently difficult for many people.   Also, despite what people may think, drinking lots of alcohol (a major diuretic) in an extremely dry, high altitude environment isn’t exactly condoned by the surgeon general.  If anything, more moderation should be shown.  The problem is that some individuals really can drink like a fish on the ground, but the body can often behave differently at altitude.  Combine that with fatigue, turbulence, and less-than-healthy-full-of-salt snacks, the 5^th, 6^th, or 12^th shot of vodka might hit you a bit differently than at your local saloon.  Unfortunately, I always get the people (read: men) who are trying to outdo their seatmate in a contest of wits and who want to turn the flight into an all out drunken fest. 

            For example, last night on my flight from City A to City B (one must protect the far from innocent), I had two guys who were drinking vodka and sprite.  On the ground they each had one drink.  Then during the three-hour long flight, they proceeded to empty my liquor drawer of all remaining vodkas and then move on to rum when the vodka supply was depleted.  Now, I’m used to this game, so after a while, I’m pouring their drinks half strong, and then quarter strong, and then just putting a couple of dabs of alcohol in their glasses.  Usually by the fourth drink, they can’t taste the alcohol anyway, and so in order to avoid a scene, most flight attendants will adjust the liquor content in successive drinks.  You might see this as cheating; we tend to see it as damage control.  Trust me, it is well worth it.  So, I’m pouring their drinks and spacing it out with water and snacks.  Well, the guy at the window is starting to get a little rowdy…talking louder, spilling his drink all over himself, and acting quite the fool.  After a bit, he decides it is time to use the bathroom.  Unfortunately, when he arrives at the lav, it’s occupied; so what does he do? No, not that! He decides he doesn’t want to stand, so he sits down, on the floor and starts singing.  I’m not sure what he was singing (the words were a bit muddled) but it sounded a lot like Mary Had a Little Lamb and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star combined in a cacophonous harmony.  Now this should be very entertaining, but I’m beginning to think…’oh crap! How am I going to get this big lug of the ground, into the bathroom, and then back to his seat!?!?’  Fortunately, he managed to do all that by himself (how? I’m still not certain).  When he did emerge from the bathroom though, he asked and then demanded that I give him another drink.  Reasoning with a drunken person is pretty futile, but fortunately I’m pretty stubborn when it comes to cutting a person off.  Plus, I knew that if he tried something, it wasn’t gonna end well for him.  Fortunately, he gathered his wits, and headed back to his seat.  After leering at the woman across the aisle, he scaled the guy sitting on the aisle and collapsed into his seat.  Oh brother.  The rest of the flight was pretty uneventful.  He did manage to scowl at me on the way off the plane and mumble how much of a let down I, the seemingly cool ‘stewardess’ was.  Then, just as he was about to step off the plane, he careened headfirst into the fuselage.  Awesome.  Thankfully his sober friend was driving. 

            So, please, dear passengers, if a flight attendant cuts you off for drinking.  Don’t take offense.  We’re not questioning your manhood (or womanhood).  Honestly, we could care less how tough you are.  We just don’t want a situation on our hands.  Alcohol poisoning on a plane would not be a fun experience for you or for me.  Think of it as damage control: for your image.  Nobody wants to be remembered as ‘that drunk guy’.  Have a good time, enjoy a couple of drinks, but know that enough is enough.  And please don’t sit on the floor and sing…that’s beyond embarrassing. 

Toeing the Line...Nonrev Travel

          Most of my friends and family are quick to conclude that my life of free travel is pretty awesome.  I must admit, it is.  Or rather it can be.  If everything goes smoothly, my number one job benefit can definitely be the best thing ever.  To be able to decide last minute to go somewhere far away and then to do so at little or no cost for air travel is pretty amazing.  I have tried to partake of this benefit as much as possible, and I have made it to such far-flung places as Australia, Paris, Tokyo, and Prague.  I have even made a number of shorter trips—Denver and Oregon to see family, New York to see a couple of shows, San Diego to have lunch with a friend.  There are not many careers that afford the time and the free travel to just go, with little or no forethought.  I am extremely lucky.  Many times, however, the fates have been against me and I’ve found myself stranded. 

            Yes, stranded.  You see, my free travel is a perk but not a guarantee.  It all depends on available seats.   I fly standby, and standby can be very difficult.  People who are not in the airline industry are often befuddled by the word ‘standby,’ so let me explain how it works.  The airlines aim to sell every seat on their planes—the cost of flying planes is enormous, and without paying passengers, the airlines would have to cancel flights and routes.  Sometimes, a flight does have some empty seats: the nonrevenue (or standby) traveler’s golden ticket.  If there is an available seat, a standby traveler like me who has been waiting at the gate for this rare bit of real estate can board the flight and be on his way—awesome!  Unfortunately, due to the rising cost of fuel, airlines have dramatically cut their routes and schedules, trimming the fat and eliminating flights that undersell.  As a result, flights are fuller and empty seats are harder to come by.  This can leave standby travelers like me fumbling for a way home or stranded in far off places for hours or days at a time. 

            So, how does one manage it?  It can certainly be a challenge.  I would say the secret to nonrevenue travel is planning backups for yourself and using creative problem solving.  Never plan on the last flight home without a backup—I’ve seen friends forced to ‘sick out’ from work due to missing a flight home.  I imagine it looks a little conspicuous to your airline employer when you fail to show up for an assignment after you missed your standby flight.  Not a good plan by any means.  Plan for backups—other airlines who operate the same route are definitely a good backup.  The seasoned ‘nonrev’ (airline lingo for nonrevenue or standby traveler) is creative when it comes to getting home; it may not be the most direct route, but if it allows you to get there, so be it.  I have flown east to go west, like flying to Atlanta from Texas in order to get to California.  It is extremely counterintuitive to fly in the wrong direction to get where you are going, but it can often mean the difference between reaching your destination and doing airport appreciation time for hours or days on end.  Some cities are more difficult to get out of than others—Seattle for one, can be almost impossible, which I have discovered in the recent past, much to my chagrin.

            In fact, this weekend I had an almost perfect example of this mishap.  I decided to take a mini-break and fly to Amsterdam for some fall weather by the canals.  I checked flights—they looked great—booked a hotel, and flew off to mingle with the Dutch.  It was a great 24-hour visit—I wandered the streets, drank some Heineken, and ate some amazing Dutch food (including those caramel-filled waffle cookies which are so very tantalizing).  As per usual, I marveled over the truly guttural Dutch language, which despite having some similarity to English, sounds remarkably like one is trying to clear his or her throat of excess phlegm.  It was a perfect escape, a great mini-adventure.  Unfortunately, the expedition turned a bit grisly when the wide-open flight home to Seattle filled up due to striking air traffic controllers in France—damn them!  It could have been bad, but I am a seasoned nonrev traveler, and I quickly began looking at the alternative options—including travel through other cities and returning a day later than I originally.  Fortunately, being a flight attendant, I also have the ability to book jump seats on flights operated by my airline, and thus after some last minute scrounging, I was able to obtain a seat back to the USA.  All of this cost me a bit of extra time and planning and a bit of extraneous stress.  Fortunately, I made it back, so the rest is just a bad memory.  It could have been bad, really bad.  This time, I escaped the worst, but next time I may not be so lucky. 

            Don’t worry; I’m not complaining about my job perk—it is the best part about my job, hands down.  Nonrev travel, however, is not for the weak of heart or for the easily stressed and overwhelmed individual.  It can be a headache at times, and is best to avoid attempting it during peak travel seasons, like around the holidays.  I recommend planning ahead, keeping the options open, and planning alternatives.  Sometimes the eventual outcome cannot be avoided, but I tend to like the extra challenge.  So, while the perk continues, I’m (sigh) up for the game.  Now, who wants to join me?