Summer Travelers...

           Oh summer…time for pools, time for BBQs, time for the crazies who never travel to venture out of their shells and take to the skies.  Why me?  That’s what I ask myself each and every single time that I board a flight in the summer.  It’s as is if I shunned the powers that be at one point in time and my punishment is an outpouring of crazy assed people boarding my flight.  Yes, my fellow flight attendants: I’m sorry, but this is definitely my fault.  I don’t know what I did exactly, but I must have done it with gusto, because the floodgates of crazy land have been opened and here they come.

            I may be a bit premature in writing this entry—after all, summer doesn’t officially start for another three weeks.  However, I’ve already taken note of many summer travelers who apparently felt like getting a head start on the summer travel season. 

            Let’s start with apparel.  Who would have thought that it would ever be culturally appropriate to wear a halter-top, booty baring cutoffs, and plastic flip-flops in public? Well, not only are they being worn in public; but they are also sauntering through airports and onto my plane.  I realize that modern day security practically demands that one strip down to their skivvies, and that perhaps wearing less clothing to start out with seems like a practical undertaking.  Well, it’s not.  Nor will it ever be.  Sorry.  Somebody may want to see your low hanging cheeks (and I’m not talking about your face), but I certainly do not.  Without fail, these girls (and guys…yep, it happens) will saunter on the plane, throw their overflowing bags in the overhead bin, and then ask for a blanket because they are ‘freezing’.  ‘Well, hello!  That’s what happens when you walk around naked sweetheart!’

           

            I really have seen an endless array of summer fashion faux pas—guys traveling in bathing suits, girls with see-through cover ups over their bikinis, tube tops, sandals with socks (do they think they are more dressed up that way?), and a jilting array of pastel colors that makes me want to crawl into a hole and die.  So, what do I do?  I do what every gay man does.  I judge—internally, of course. Outwardly, I’m all smiles and such, but inside…girl, I’m judging you like you’s the newest Kardashian.

            It’s not just that people come on the plane wearing inappropriate stuff; they get all crazy as well.  Maybe it’s the lack of oxygen.  Many a time during the summer months, I have had someone get on the plane and wander around in a daze like they are in a museum of some sort—amazed with the scenery and confused that they actually have to sit down and buckle up.  I’m sure the invisible thought balloons for these individuals would be something like: ‘what is this strange place and how did I get here?’  I can imagine their shock when the strange beast they boarded jumps off the ground and flies through the sky. Oooh. Ahhh.  Trippy.

            People in the summer months also like to drink—a lot.  As a flight attendant, I like to judge your alcohol consumption on this one little rule…shall we give you less to make you act normal, or shall we give you more to help you sleep and stop acting, in what we perceive, is normal for you?  I’m always amazed that people don’t seem to understand that the airplane is a flying vessel—just one step above a bus—and not a full service bar and restaurant.  No we actually don’t serve fifty flavors of vodka nor can we mix up frozen daiquiris—our galleys are not nearly that advanced.  And, if you are lucky enough to get a meal, it was cooked in an industrial oven after being made en masse in a remote kitchen several hours before the flight.  Simply put, we don’t do substitutions.  Sorry, it’s just really not possible for us to whip up something else in our cubbyhole galley.  One guy actually asked me if we could stop to pick something up.  I’m not kidding—I think maybe he thought we would swing by a KFC or Burger King en route.  Although it’s crazy, I can’t help imagining what that would look like—a 747 pulling up at the drive thru and requesting 250 drumsticks and a side of beans.  

            Oh, and the questions.  Where do these people come up with such off the wall questions?  I guess they don’t understand the basic principles of physics or realize just how stupid they make themselves out to be by opening their mouths.  Some of my favorites include (but are definitely not limited to): ‘What keeps this plane in the air…does gravity not exist up here?’ ‘Is it possible to see the Mason-Dixon line from here?’ ‘Oh look, is that the Atlantic Ocean?’ (when landing in Chicago after flying over Lake Michigan) ‘Why is it so cold outside the plane…I mean, we are closer to the sun right?’ No joke—these are actual questions.  I have to tell you that it’s incredibly difficult to keep a straight face when dealing with such extreme stupidity.  Again, some extreme internal judgment going on here. 

            Such is the way of summer flying—the newbies (and not so newbies who still haven’t gotten it yet) decide to venture out into the great ‘unknown’.  Daring for sure for someone who has been seemingly housebound or isolated to small town living.  Super annoying as well.  But such is the way of summer flying and even though we have to drudge through it each and every year, gosh darn it, at least it’s entertaining!

Girl's got some baggage...

         Some people over pack—it’s just the way it is. My mother is one of those people; she would probably take her entire wardrobe if she could, but fortunately my father has gotten quite good at making her reduce her baggage quantity and size, knowing full well that if she is left unchecked, he will be forced to schlep all her stuff around. Multiple, large bags can be cumbersome; but in this day and age, it is also expensive, as most airlines slap hefty fees on checked bags. The more bags you have, the higher the prices. As a result, more and more people carry their bags on the plane—jamming them into cramped and limited overhead stowage space. These regulations and tariffs are having a positive effect as well (in my book); they are pushing people to become more efficient packers. Excess baggage is dwindling, as passengers try to escape incidental fees. There is one category of traveler, however, that has seemed to miss the boat on consolidation. I’m talking about my cohorts, the flight attendants.

         Most passengers see flight attendants rolling through the airports, but I wonder how many really pay attention to the sheer quantity of baggage these men and women are hauling around. Many airlines allow working flight attendants 3-4 carry-on bags of various sizes; yes twice as much as everyone else. Everything from a roll-a-board suitcase to a garment bag, computer bag, purse/briefcase, lunch bag, grocery sack, or body bag (no, just kidding about that last one, although I feel that some women’s purses are akin to a body bag, and I am almost certain I could fit an entire village into them). Granted, some flight attendants work multi-day trips—ranging from a few days to 8 or more days. Some Asian carriers even make round-the-world journeys and can be gone for weeks at a time. Plus, some flight attendants back up their trips and may commute to their assignments from a remote city, therefore necessitating more undies, hence more bags. Most trolley dollies, however, work trips that range from 1 to 4 days and take several days off between trips. So, why do these flight attendants need enough match luggage to outfit a safari, a jaunt to the beach, a nightclub outing, dinner with the pope, a cocktail dress for Vegas, skiing in the Pyrenees, scuba diving at the Great Barrier Reef, and a trip to the moon if they are only going to be gone for a couple of days? I’m pretty certain you don’t need any of that stuff to visit Wichita.

           Seriously, the amount of flight attendants that over pack is astonishing. I have asked a number of such flight attendants why they need to bring so much stuff, and the answer is usually the same: ‘you never know where they might reroute us…and I want to be prepared.’ And prepared they are…for any and all destinations. Seemingly even for a nuclear holocaust! To be fair, this desire for preparation at all costs stems from events like September 11th and the Icelandic volcano, when aircrews and passengers from around the world found themselves stranded in unfamiliar locales for days at a time. It’s smart to think like a boy scout and be prepared. But, I do think some of the ‘preparatory measures’ many of these flight attendants take are just a bit extreme. The relative chance of needing half the crap in their bags is pretty minimal. I have even worked turnarounds (one leg out and one leg back) with stewards and stewardesses with a flotilla of luggage. When I inquired on one such occasion if the woman commuted from somewhere, she replied that she was a local. And then she asked me to help lift her bevy of bulging bags into the overhead bin because they were too heavy for her. Yeah, I don’t think so, sister… Its’ really not uncommon to see a storage closet (normally reserved for coats) brimming to the max with flight attendant bags that were too heavy or large to fit in the overhead bin. I’ve also known many a flight attendant to do some light (or heavy) shopping on a layover and swell their already large bags to breaking point. And ladies, just because I’m a chivalrous guy doesn’t mean I want to hoist your bags into the bin or help you retrieve them after you’ve wedged them in there.

            Flight attendants also like to pack what can be equated to the contents of an industrial sized refrigerator for their trips. Airport food is unhealthy and expensive, and the obvious option is to bring your own food. Thrifty and wise, for sure. But does one really need to bring an entire Thanksgiving dinner with enough sustenance to feed the gang from The Last Supper? I can’t imagine how much food is actually thrown away or goes bad, as refrigeration is often shoddy at best in hotels and on airplanes. Bring some snacks, bring a couple of easy meals—but leave the Chinette at home.

            Long story short, we’re all culprits when it comes to hoarding our stuff on the road with us, but one would think seasoned road warriors would be better at limiting themselves and packing more efficiently. Personally, I like to take as little as possible and hope for the best. And if it comes to the worst: hey, at least it’s an excuse to buy some new stuff. But for now, it seems that I’m among the minority. I’ll save my back and save the heavy lifting for someone else.