I’d like to call this piece ‘Left in the first class closet,’ because it gives a very broad range to the litany of items one might find in the extremely cramped space where we are supposed to hang coats for first class passengers. Sometimes there are, indeed, coats stored in this closet. More often, however, there is an array of odds and ends (with emphasis on the odd) that seem to find their way into this coveted storage space. Let me explain how this came to be.
Scenario # 1: Long, long ago, there was a plethora of available overhead bins, spacious and roomy with plenty of space for Aunt Marge’s cute little, pastel beige weekender. With the advent of baggage fees and the roll-aboard suitcase, suddenly the once cavernous overhead bin space is now teeming with bags and Aunt Marge no longer has any room to fit her now, MASSIVE, suitcase. Confronted with the unknown fate of having to check her bag and the fear that it may not arrive with her in Topeka, Aunt Marge sweetly, yet firmly, attaches herself to the bag and swears life and limb that she will not let it out of her sight. The solution: ‘oh, let’s shove it in the coat closet.’
Or consider Scenario # 2: Mr. Williams, who is seated in 3C, just needed to make one last phone call and have one last cocktail in the frequent flyer lounge before boarding his flight to destination XYZ. He waltzes on the plane just before the door closes with a huge bag and an even larger computer bag…hmm…personal item? I don’t think so. Maybe it should be called ‘big enough to fit a person’ item. But that’s beside the point. All the overhead bins are full and because Mr. Williams is one of our ‘best’ customers, we decide to stow his bags in the: yep, you guessed it, first class coat closet. Never mind that his bag(s) is now stacked on two flight attendants’ bags and an array of other crap, and that it is smooshing your delicate coat up against the wall. Sorry. Perhaps wrinkles are in this year? One can’t help wondering if this was Mr. Williams master plan in the first place; after all, his bags get to ride in style and he himself actually suggested that we put his bags in the closet in the first place. Tricky? Oh yes, I’ve seen it all.
Of course we don’t allow access to every bag that wants to live in the coat closet. Actually, we aren’t supposed to put any passenger bags in the closet at all, because it is supposed to be for, uh, coats. Go figure. But passenger items are not always the offending party. More often than not, flight attendant bags seem to find their way into the closet. The typical scenario for that goes something like this: Shelly and Bev love to shop and really needed to buy 4,000 pounds of crap during their 9-hour layover in Des Moines. Those bags are really heavy now and it is physically impossible for them to lift their bag into the overhead bin. So, where do they put their gargantuan bags? Yep. Unfortunately despite strict baggage guidelines (yeah, right) and even clearly posted weight limits on the closet wall, somehow the closet is always overflowing with bags and other junk, which is a fineable FAA offense (and we’re talking thousands of dollars). The simple, should-be, organized coat closet is really a disaster in the works.
So, what sorts of items can one find in said coat closet. Let’s take a closer look at some of the hoopla that makes up its contents. At any one time or another, I have discovered the following paraphernalia jammed into an airplane coat closet:
· Passenger/crew coat (normal)
· Passenger/crew suitcase (annoying, but relatively normal)
· Folding chair (useful in case we spontaneously decide to tailgate)
· Painting/Mirror/Drawing (oblong and delicate, hopefully arriving in one piece!)
· Animal skull (complete with a myriad of horns)
· Grocery bag (often with foul smelling cheeses or other unknown substances)
· Colostomy kit (unused, thank god)
· Crutches/cane/assistive device (normal but not always easy to fit)
· Heavy artillery (unloaded and on a military charter but weird, nonetheless)
· Oversized stuffed animal (presumably won in a fair, but maybe some brat’s favorite toy)
· Gigantic wooden figurine (person, place or thing…seen it all)
· A small child (apparently he thought it was a good place to build his fortress)
· A box of bibles (destined for some forlorn hotel room in Romania)
· Dishes/vases (good luck to you on those showing up in one piece!)
· A ten pound box of grapefruit (hmm…hmm)
· Kotex (unused…again, thank god)
· Condoms (unused, but still condoms—‘mile high club’ anyone?)
· False teeth (probably fell out of an elderly person’s bag—either passenger or, sigh, flight attendant)
· Toupee/weave/wig (poor bald person who lost their hairpiece)
· Afghan (the blanket, not a citizen of Afghanistan)
· A puppy (left by an owner who didn’t realize ‘pet in cabin’ actually meant ‘pet in cabin and at seat with owner’)
· A flight attendant (she decided to take a nap there during crew rest on an international flight—why? No idea…)
· Mink stole with the heads still attached (gruesome, at best)
· Stroller/collapsible playpen/diaper changing table (rubbing up against first class coats…perhaps yours)
· Stuffed penguin (who shoots a penguin?!?)
There are other things that I can add to this list, some of which worth mentioning, others of which are better left unnamed. Some interesting, some banal. The real point is: why do we carry half of this sh*# onto the airplane in the first place, and why does it always end up sitting on top of my lunch bag or rubbing up against the coats of the well-to-do who put their coat in the closet so that it would be well looked after and not wadded up into a mess, like it usually is at the end of a flight!? Lets get one thing straight. This isn’t ‘Hoarders at 30,000 feet’. It’s a closet. For coats. Any questions?
