Lavatory Troubles

I find it incredibly fascinating how ignorant some people are when it comes to airplane lavatories. The lavatory never struck me as a complicated device, and yet many people seem to lack the 'know-how' to use them. I shudder to think how they even go about using their own bathrooms at home...or maybe some of these people are still using outhouses. I mean, it's a simple room with a door, a commode, and a sink, and yet people find all sorts of ways to screw it up. Let's start with the matter of the door. There are two main types of lavatory doors (and maybe this utilization of multiple types of doors confuses people, but seriously, it's not that complicated). There is the normal hinged swinging door and then there is the accordion type door. All doors have some sort of handle or access point, and many doors have instructions on how to operate the door (go figure). Usually on the accordion-type doors, there is a sign that says 'push' or 'pull'. Seems simple enough. And yet most people seem to do the exact opposite, just like that Far Side cartoon about the kid at the school for the gifted who is pushing on the door that says pull. Yeah, that's how I feel sometimes, on a plane with the 'gifted'. It's amazing how many times I have witnessed someone do the complete opposite of what the indicated action is, and then stand off to the side, thinking the lavatory must be occupied, when actually it is vacant. True, some people don't understand the printed English word that is written on the door (I'll give them that), but the majority of English speakers can't seem to figure it out either. So, what then? Hmm…On the other hand, when the door is of the swinging, hinged type (like a normal door in your house), the common scenario involves a passenger who can't seem to find the door handle. I'm serious, even though there is usually a handle or knob in plain sight, some people will try every other thing in sight to gain access to the bathroom. Wall-mounted ashtrays, garbage containers, you name it...and then when they turn around and look at me with a dumbfounded look, I bite my tongue in order to stop myself from saying what I really want to say, and say instead: "maybe try that little handle that looks like a door handle." Yes, people, it really is that simple... To make matters worse, it seems once they open the door and manage to maneuver themselves inside--which is no small task given the relative size of most airplane lavatories when compared to the size of most Americans--passengers often create other problems for themselves. Okay, on the inside of every lavatory door I have ever met is a simple sliding mechanism: the lock. It is a simple contraption that serves a very valuable purpose, which is to maintain privacy and also to avoid the embarrassing moment of someone accidentally walking in while you perform. Now, it seems that some people can’t figure out this contraption, even if you bluntly explain it to them (as most airplane lavatories have a sign that says 'please lock door'). Other door locks turn the light on, so if you forget to lock the door, the light doesn't come on and you're peeing in the dark, which you would think would be enough to indicate to somebody that, 'hmm, something's not quite right here.' One would think that would be a good indicator, but I can't tell you how many times I have accidentally walked in on someone peeing, pooping, or doing god knows what. I have see ladies' girdles, kid's mini dongs, and plenty of other unmentionables. Please, people, do us all a favor and learn how to lock the door. Okay, so besides the door, there are plenty of other things that befuddle passengers while using the lavatory. For example, there are cubby holes situated throughout the lavatory--dispensers doling out toilet paper and paper towels, garbage containers, air-sickness bag and maxi pad compartments, among others. For a first-timer, finding your toilet tissue or emergency maxi pad could seem a bit daunting. Fortunately, the airplane manufacturers realized they would be dealing with multi-lingual passengers and placed pictures next to each opening, describing the intended purpose of that compartment. What they didn't know, was that although the average person may have eyes and can see, they aren't always smart enough to figure out that a picture of garbage going into a bin is probably the place to put your garbage. As a working flight attendant (and even before as a passenger) I have found disposed garbage in the strangest of places--shoved into vertical paper towel dispensers, tucked away into drawers for maxi pads and even crammed into the space between the door handle and the door. I mean, come on...I know some cultures aren't used to disposing of their trash in trash bins, but if you made it all the way to the airport and on to the plane, I really think you should be able to figure out that your trash will need to go somewhere and, oh look! they designed a spot for it to go! How handy! Yes, finding discarded paper towels jammed into these compartments isn't really that awful, I'll give you that. But when you find a used diaper or a used tampon that has been lodged behind the toilet paper roll...need I say more... The surprising thing is the way that human nature pushes other people to follow suit and deposit their garbage in the same wrong location. I wouldn't be surprised to finish a flight with an empty garbage bin but with every other nook and cranny teeming with passenger rubbish. Another matter is the plumbing. So, because this washroom, bathroom, water-closet, toilet, lavatory, or whatever else you choose to call it is not located on solid ground, the sink and toilet have to be a bit different. There is no standing water in the toilet, for obvious reasons (here comes turbulence...slosh, slosh). Also, the toilet often sucks with the life force of god when you flush it; that's because of the vacuum effect between the cabin and the holding tank...so make sure all loose articles of clothing are accounted for before flushing and never, I repeat, never flush the commode whilst you are sitting upon it. I've never tried it, but I can image that it would be akin to hanging your bootie out in hurricane force winds. People have been known to lose things upon flushing--and as far as I'm concerned...oops, that's the breaks. Passengers don't always seem to agree, and if they really want to stick their hand down there and fish around, by all means. Don't think for a second, though, that I am going to stick my hand down there. No way! You might think it sounds a bit audacious that anyone would even suggest a thing, but you'd be surprised. One time a man dropped his class ring into the toilet and demanded that the flight attendant who was, at the time, serving meals, stop what she was doing and fish around for his beloved keepsake. I'm sure the other passengers would love to have a meal served by her after she did so....Chicken? Beef? E Coli? What's even more surprising is that an off-duty pilot stepped up to the challenge. He wrapped his arm in a plastic bag, shoved his forearm into the hole and, miracle of miracles, fished out the ring. The pilot didn't seem too fazed by the incident and even received a round of applause from nearby passengers, albeit with looks of revulsion upon their faces. The crowning moment was when the passenger, overjoyed about getting his ring back, forgot where it had just been lodged, and placed it back on his finger...without even rinsing it off. Eww. Excuse me sir? The sink is clogged... I don't know how many times I have heard this one, and sometimes even from the same person. Or I have entered a lavatory and found a pool of water sloshing in the sink and sometimes overflowing onto the ground. Nice. Okay, people, let's try this again. The sink is on a plane and because the water flows into a holding tank rather than into a normal household system of pipes and sewers, the sink typically has a stopper at the bottom. This stopper prevents that whooshing sound you hear when you flush the toilet, from happening all the time. To unstop the sink, hmm...let's see...what can I do? Oh wait, how do I get the sink at home to empty after I have filled it up--oh yeah, push down the little plunger on the back of the sink. Well, that is exactly how an airplane’s sink works as well. Push down and voila! Sink empties. It's really quite simple--yet based on the sheer quantity of times I come upon an overflowing sink or heard that the sink is stopped up, I guess it really isn't that simple. Go figure. Which actually creates another problem. Sometimes the sink does overflow and floods the bathroom floor. What could be a watery mess is compounded by the fact that a lot of passengers like to use the bathroom while in their socks, or worse, barefoot. Flight attendants continue to encourage the use of shoes while traipsing around the plane, but at the end of the day, passengers decide what to wear when attending to their bathroom needs. Water logged socks and toe jam isn't my idea of a good time--especially when you realize that some people don't have the best of aim while using the toilet (not to mention the negative effects of turbulence on a man that is standing to pee). Therefore, that substance, which is stuck to your feet or soaked into your socks, may not just be water. Again, eww. Perhaps everybody's favorite part about the lavatory is that it is the most obvious place to join the mile high club. Why is that? Because it is enclosed and private? I hate to tell you, but on most of the flights that I have been on, there is typically a line of impatient people waiting to use the bathroom. But, it is definitely enclosed—roughly about the same dimension as a lady's size 12 pump shoebox. How anyone could think it would be a nice place to have a sexual romp is beyond me. It is cramped, stuffy, and typically stinky. Beware of the blue fluid as well--that stuff could stain and would definitely indicate to everyone what you and your intended were intending to do. Plus, and I think I can honestly represent my fellow airline personnel on this one, no flight attendant or cabin service attendant would ever hope to find evidence of your high altitude rendezvous--we already have plenty of other nasty stuff to deal with.