Heard on an Airplane -- Stories of Airplane Stupidity

It is rather amazing the lengths some people will go through to amaze me about how stupid they are when then set foot on an airplane. It’s as if they lose all touch with reality the second they settle into their seats. They shed their shoes, their stresses, and apparently, their sense of reason. Now I know there are some people in this world that just weren’t meant to be quick, and for them, we have warnings galore, like the posting ‘Caution! Hot beverage!’ on a to-go cup of coffee. Um, yeah…it’s coffee. But there are some very intelligent people in this world who seem to check their brains curbside with their luggage when they travel. And some of these people, I’m afraid to say, travel quite a bit. You think they would get it after a while, but alas… So, here is a host of subjects that people prove their prowess at, er lack thereof when traveling. What do you have? Every flight attendant on every airline hates this question. It is the most common question asked on the plane, and without fail, every flight attendant hears it at least once (more like a good dozen times) during every beverage service. Now, it’s true that different airlines have different beverage options. Despite minor differences, however, most airlines serve at least Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, Ginger Ale, an assortment of fruit juices, coffee, tea, and water. The brands may be different, but the flavor options are typically the same. Thus, if I were to get on an airline that was unfamiliar to me, even if I didn’t know exactly the beverage choices available, I could still fall in the ball park, and most likely if I were to say Coke, guess what!? There is a reason why ‘Coke’ is the most recognized word in any language people! But apparently not everyone is quick enough to grasp this concept. Even after being inundated with service PAs about the beverage choices available and where people can find a list of beverage options (most airlines include this helpful, if little used information in their in-flight magazine), without fail someone in row 16 will say, “What do you have?”. I know, perhaps this is a bit picky. But even after responding to the question ‘What do you have?’ and listing the beverage options available, I often have people who will ask for something that wasn’t in the list…say, Dr. Pepper or Grape soda. It’s as if they think maybe I forgot to list that one or that I’m playing a joke on them and suddenly I’m going to turn around and say ‘ha ha, just kidding, here’s your cherry pop little girl!’. Oh, and it gets worse. Many flights offer multiple beverage services. An hour or two after the first beverage service, the same flight attendants will push the same carts down the same aisles. And yet, some dimwit will ask the very same question they asked before… ‘Oh, what do you have?’ Poor fool… What’s that sound? Ever since the events of 9/11, airline passengers have been on high alert for strange situations and unusual smells/noises onboard airplanes. This heightened sense of awareness is seen as advantageous by the airlines for the safety of their planes, crews, and passengers. The government transportation security agency (and we all know this agency) praises this quality and encourages passengers to report circumstances that are out of the norm to flight crews and other personnel. It’s all in good measure. But seriously, some of the things people report are beyond my capacity to understand how their brain works. One time, I was in the middle of a beverage service, and this woman flagged me down to say that she felt a breeze. After noticing my blank stare, she pointed to the area above her head and said that there was wind blowing on her from above. I reached over and closed her air vent, to which she responded... “oh good, I thought maybe somebody left a window open.” Refraining from an outburst of raucous laughter at such a comment is difficult and keeping a straight face is nearly impossible. How do you respond to such a comment? Hmm… ‘well ma’am, no, the windows don’t actually open, because if they did, well, let’s just say that your weave wouldn’t be attached to your head anymore…’ Another time I was walking through the cabin on a transoceanic flight and a passenger frantically waved me over to feel the wall next to his seat, which he claimed was rather warm. He mentioned that the window shade was very hot and he was afraid maybe there was some sort of fire. Again, another incredulous stare from yours truly. As a matter of fact, the window shade was rather warm, because the blazing inferno which we call the sun was shining against that side of the plane, and well, I don’t really need to explain the physics of heat energy. The man nodded and then added insult to injury by saying ‘well, it didn’t happen on my flight over to Europe’ Hmm, yes, because that flight happened at night and well, the sun was not shining on the plane and that is why it was dark…moron! Of course I didn’t add said expletive, but it was definitely in the subtext of my plastic grin. When he asked me if there was any way of preventing the sun from shining against the window shade, I smiled, said no, and walked away…afraid of what my sarcastic wit might respond, given the chance. My all time favorite was reported by another flight attendant, and given my inability to control my reactions to examples of extreme stupidity, it’s probably for the best that it happened to someone else and not to me. During an overnight flight, a flight attendant was called over to a passenger who complained of a rather loud noise that she heard coming from near her seat. She explained it as a constant buzzing sound and said that it was disturbing her sleep. The flight attendant quickly realized that the sound the woman was referring to was, indeed, the whir of the engines. The flight attendant apologized and explained that the engines made a lot of noise. Most people would shake their head and accept it, but the woman showed her utmost disdain and exclaimed, “well, can you turn it off!?” I don’t know what I would have said in response to this but apparently the flight attendant concerned maintained her composure and said, ‘uh, no that would be bad. In fact, if you hear that noise stop, let me know immediately.’ Wow...